Sunday, May 15, 2016

"Hi. My Name is Mike, and I'm a Gritsaholic"

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I know what you're thinking. Don't judge. They say that there's a genetic predisposition for addiction in some people. And though I was born south of the Mason Dixon line, I have not noticed any uncontrollable urges. That is, until now.

I never ate grits as a lad. Oh, on rare occasions maybe, but never as a steady diet. Oh, sure, I've tried recreational grits over the years. I even ordered grits from a Canadian Denny's once. (They're quite legal there.) But, they must have sensed I wasn't from around there, so they served me hash browns instead.

All that changed recently. You know how the pusher often gives you the first hit for free? I'm minding my own business, quietly shopping for groceries and I hear this "Psst! Over here!" I look, and there's a box of grits 50% off. "Hey!" I thought to myself, "a bargain!" And I started having grits with my breakfast a few days later. A little butter, maybe a little shredded cheese on top. Still, I could take it or leave it. I'd fry up some bacon, poach a couple of eggs and have some grits on the side. No problem!

Then, one morning, I was looking at the box the grits came in, with those eggs nestled closely against the grits, and I thought: What if I were to put my poached eggs directly on top of my grits? I was hooked! There's really no turning back now. I'm a gritsaholic. I don't think there's a twelve step treatment for what I've got.

All I have now is this cautionary tale: Young people, beware that first box of grits. People might tell you "It's a Southern thing", but that doesn't make you immune. Someone once licked a psychedelic toad even before they knew it would get them high, so don't think this can't happen to you. If you're one of those people who have not bought into the whole 'eggs are bad for your cholesterol' thing, I'm warning you: put your eggs on top of your grits at your own peril.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

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