"I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright

Ever notice how it’s a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! — Steven Wright

"If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals, you will run out!" -Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. -Steven Wright

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great, if you live in a small country. -Steven Wright

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.” ― Steven Wright

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?" -Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect. -Steven Wright