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I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

-Billy Connolly

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I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

-Billy Connolly

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"Whenever I think of you, it's like having a wee party in my heart."

-Billy Connolly to Dame Judi Dench

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"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit."

-Billy Connolly

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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

-Billy Connolly