Quote du jour

"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The suspect was described as being between 25 and 8,000 years old."

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

Because of the government shutdown, the White House is under attack — by squirrels. They’ve invaded the White House garden because the gardeners were laid off. Michelle Obama planted a garden to show how easy it is to grow your own food. All you need is water, sunlight, and 50 full-time federal employees.

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

A man in Wisconsin pleaded guilty to having sex with a couch. How do you get arrested for that? Does someone come to your house? “What’s going on here? Couch patrol. Furniture vice squad.”

In his defense, the man in Wisconsin said he thought it was a loveseat.

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

Last week I got freaked out by the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I even wrote an email to President Obama about it. Well, the email wasn’t actually to him. I’m just assuming he read it.

- Craig Ferguson

Bonus Quote du jour

Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I’m not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We’ve got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya.

- Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

"I have mixed feelings about poetry. Not many are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some sort of official certification to perform or write poetry. We could call it a poetic license, if you will."

- Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

President Obama’s half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He’s a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don’t know much about the half-brother.

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

When I hear about a crime like this, part of me thinks it’s kind of cool. But it’s not right. Stealing is never cool. They took something without it being funny. This wasn’t “Ocean’s 11.” These guys just came up and took someone’s hard-earned money without being at all funny or cool. So it’s more like “Ocean’s 12.”

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

A new show premiered tonight on the FX network called “The Americans.” It’s about Russian spies embedded in Washington, D.C., during the Cold War. The first episode of this spy show was great. Their mission was to fake a drivers license for a young socialist Kenyan boy living in Hawaii.

-Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show ‘Dallas’ with Larry Hagman. … The original “Dallas” series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I’m glad those dark days are over.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

"Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can’t tell, of course, because of the Botox."

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn’t born in Kenya. It was Tanzania.

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

The Super Bowl halftime show one the most amazing feats of engineering. The crew has less than 20 minutes to deploy a complex system of rigging, cranes, and pulleys. And once they get Madonna in her corset, they have to put up the stage.

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he’s the ‘Goldilocks candidate.’ Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You’re expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It’s like voting for Obama.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“He (Rod Blagojevich) was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour -Captain America Edition

“Back then, America had a ruined economy and was fighting wars with two different countries. It was a totally different time.”

“Captain America is patriotic. Of course, Superman wore the American colors, but he wasn’t born here — much like our president.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“Gambling and Washington don’t seem to go together at all. One’s full of whores and seedy, soulless bastards and the other’s the gambling industry.”

–Craig Ferguson

Quote du jour

“A high-ranking official at the FAA had to resign because air traffic controllers are falling asleep. I think FAA stands for ‘fell asleep again.’”

–Craig Ferguson