Quote du jour

In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire’s entire black community, a guy named Steve.

- Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won’t get fixed, public employees won’t be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult — but there will also be a lot of differences.

- Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I’ve heard you won’t be able to see the seals until it’s too late.

-Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he’d finally gotten out of Iran.

- Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“Barbara Walters has released part of her ‘Most Fascinating People’ list. This year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right. The woman who may soon be president – and Hillary Clinton.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“The White House just revealed that it brews its own beer and President Obama drinks it when out campaigning. And even more of it when Joe Biden goes out campaigning.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“While attending meetings in Chicago this week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation’s economy. Or as Obama put it, ‘Uh-oh.’”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama’s 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it’s his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words ‘Obama’ and ‘well done’ appeared in the same sentence.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.”

- Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

“President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can’t get her upgraded to the seat she really wants.”

–Jimmy Fallon

Quote du jour

"A new poll found out that 41% of Americans don't know who the vice president is. In response, Joe Biden was like, all right, all right, at least give me a hint! What does it rhyme with?"

-Jimmy Fallon