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In the year 3000, YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge into one super time-wasting site called YouTwitFace.

-Conan O’Brien

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Chris Christie's campaign slogan is "Telling it like it is." This is in contrast to Hillary's slogan, "Explaining why this is not what it looks like."

- Conan O'Brien

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The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.

- Conan

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"Former President George H.W. Bush turned 90 today, and he celebrated by going skydiving. So if you include Obama there were two presidents in free fall today."

- Conan O’Brien

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Joe Biden’s niece was arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent.

-Conan O'Brien

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Vladimir Putin wrote that America should not view itself as exceptional. I disagree. Hey, Russia, we invented jazz and the elevators it plays in. We’re the geographic sweet spot between frostbite and beheadings. Our roulette is way better than your roulette. And when you rearrange the letters in “Russia” — you get “USA, Sir!”

-Conan O'Brien

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A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands.

-Conan O’Brien

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There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

-Conan O’Brien

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Millions of Americans await the return of the Twinkie. Meanwhile, millions of British citizens await the arrival of the royal baby. Basically we’re both waiting for something that’s long, soft, and will probably last 80 years.

- Conan O’Brien

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CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

-Conan O’Brien

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“Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called ‘Total Recall.’ In response, she’s written a book about their affair called ‘Alien vs. Predator.’”
–Conan O’Brien

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“A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he’s not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama.”

–Conan O’Brien

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“Today, the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins visited the White House. President Obama told them he loves hockey as much as any black guy who grew up in Indonesia.”

–Conan O’Brien

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“Over the weekend in New York, two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath, and Seriously, You Need to Take a Bath.”

–Conan O’Brien

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“President Obama’s teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief that’s eloquent and spreading a message of hope.”

–Conan O’Brien

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“Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.”

–Conan O’Brien

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51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it.

–Conan O’Brien