Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

Last year, when I was doing "Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign", this species had not even been discovered.



The Kasicharoo /ˌkæ-sichəˈruː/ is a marsupial from the family Macropostaldidae (macropost, meaning "large mailbox"). In common use the term is used to describe the largest species from this family, especially those of the genus Macropus: the red Kasicharoo, antilopine Kasicharoo, and eastern grey Kasicharoo. Kasicharoos are endemic to Ohio. The Buckeye government estimates that 34.3 million Kasicharoos lived within the commercial harvest areas of Ohio in 2011, 25.1 million in Cleveland alone.

Kasicharoos have large, powerful hind legs, large imaginations adapted for leaping to conclusions, a long muscular tail for twerking, and a small head, which doubles as a hat rack. Like most marsupials, female Kasicharoos have a pouch called a marsupium in which joeys complete postnatal development. (Don't ask what his father carried in his pouch unless you have an hour or so to kill.)

Europeans have long regarded Kasicharoos as strange animals. Early explorers described them as creatures that had heads like deer (without antlers), stood upright like men, and hopped like frogs. Kasicharoos are shy and retiring by nature, and in normal circumstances present no threat to humans, despite karate chop like movements of their tiny arms.




Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Rand Paultry
Chris Crizzlie
Joe Bydena
Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon
Jeb Bushbaby
Martin O'Mallard

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

Rand Paultry, Isolationus Chipofftheblockicus, is a bantam, mostly known for stewing. The word "paultry" comes from the French/Norman word poule, itself derived from the Latin word 'pullout', which echoes its distinctive call. (Not to be mistaken as "paltry", which describes its contribution to modern politics.)

Although the hen is not a prolific layer, the Rand Paultry has been known to lay a rather large egg from time to time. In captivity, the species does not require its wings to be clipped, as it seldom strays far from the coop or henhouse. The Rand Paultry is extremely near sighted, and is often at risk, seemingly oblivious to any predator not yet actually inside its yard. Oddly, that does not prevent him from viciously attacking his own.

Rand Paultry aficionados deny any flavor of isolationism, insisting that it's more like non-intervention, but it still tastes like chicken!




Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Chris Crizzlie
Joe Bydena
Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon
Jeb Bushbaby
Martin O'Mallard

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Martin O'Mallard, (Baltimorus Mayortoasticus), is a dabbling duck which, in this case, dabbles in politics. The mallard was one of the many bird species originally described by Carl Linnaeus in his 18th-century work, Systema Naturae, and still bears its original binomial name, not to be confused with metric, which is more characteristic of Lincolnae Democraticus.

The species is generally found west of the Chesapeake Bay area in the foggy swampland between Maryland and Virginia.

Mallards frequently interbreed with their closest relatives in the genus Anas, such as the American black duck, which accounts for a majority of the Baltimorus taxonomy. The rear of the male is black, with the dark tail having white borders. The bill of the male is generally past due.

A noisy species, the male has a nasal call, not to be confused with a 3AM call.

A generally nondescript waterfowl, the Martin O'Mallard may not be all it's quacked up to be, and may be easily decoyed with promises of cabinet positions.






Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Chris Crizzlie
Joe Bydena
Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon
Jeb Bushbaby

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Jeb Bushbaby is a subspecies of Bushgeorgicus Americanae, or "little night monkeys" in Afrikaans, which can be found in Florida, Texas and occasionally as far north as Massachusetts. The typical Jeb Bushbaby migrates to a particularly cramped 3,000 sq. ft. lair in Kennebunkport during the summer months. Bushbabies have exceptional jumping abilities: into races, between positions, to conclusions and 'the gun'.

Adult males maintain separate territories, which overlap with those of the female social groups, BushBarbarae Americanae. Males defer to the alpha female with surprising regularity.

Jeb Bushbabies learn largely by scent, communicating by marking their paths with urine. By following the scent of urine, they can land on exactly the same branch every time. This may explain their affinity for the unpleasantly malodorous Common Core. This may also explain more than one embarrassing press conference!

Affable and friendly, the Jeb Bushbaby is not unpleasant to have around, but the cumulative effect of their communication could gag a maggot.


Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Chris Crizzlie
Joe Bydena
Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

Seen in its natural habitat on an approach to a George Washington Bridge toll lane
The Chris Crizzlie Bear, Ursus Omniverae Horribilis , is found in New Jersey, ranging from Cape May to Newark. Sometimes mistakenly called "big boned", the Crizzlie could easily hibernate two winters in a row without breaking a sweat! Population estimates based on hair-snagging, DNA-based inventories, mark-recapture, and a refined multiple regression model put sightings of the Crizzlie as far west as Iowa and as far north as New Hampshire.

The mainland grizzly is widespread, and is representative and archetypal for the whole subspecific group. Even so, classification is being revised along genetic lines. The Crizzlie bear has evidence of rhino DNA in its ancestry.

On interspecies competition, the relationship between Crizzlie bears and other predators is mostly one-sided; after severe storms, however, the Crizzlie has been known to cozy up to such as the Mid Atlantic Weasel, Obamanicus Daemocratus, to mutually scavenge any carrion washed up by the storm.

The Crizzlie is known for its occasional surly interactions with humans. It is best avoided in the wild. In captivity, it is easily distracted with food.


Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Joe Bydena
Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Joe Bydena, (Cassanovae Plagiaristmus), commonly known as a "laughing' hyena, is, in reality, more of a "laughed at" hyena. Although phylogenetically closer to weasels, Joe Bydenas are behaviorally and morphologically similar to canines in several aspects; in other words, the Joe Bydena frequently acts like a dog. Both hyenas and canines are non-arboreal, cursorial hunters that catch prey from behind, sometimes massaging the shoulders of unsuspecting prey.

Hyenas groom themselves often, and are considered quite vain. They defecate in the same manner as other Carnivora, though they never stand when urinating, as urination serves no territorial function for them. Instead, hyenas mark their territories using their anal glands. In the wild, the Bydena has been known to imitate the calls of other alpha males, particularly the Welshae Coalminerimus

Hyenas are used for food and medicinal purposes in some areas, including Muslim nations under the Shafiite school, where hyenas are considered halal because of their omnivorous diet. This practice dates back to the times of the Ancient Greeks and Romans, who believed that different parts of the hyena's body were effective means to ensure love and fertility. This differs somewhat from the Joe Bydena's opinion that ALL parts of the hyena's body were effective means to ensure love and fertility!

The Joe Bydena ideally sees itself as a pack animal, even leader of a pack, if it could only find a single pack that would accept it.



Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo
Mike Huccameleon

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Mike Huccameleon, Rockandrollimus Wannabeae , is part of a distinctive and highly specialized clade of old world lizards. (Not to be confused with wizards, which the Huck's church might frown upon.) Mike Huccameleons are distinguished by their zygodactylous feet; their very long, highly modified, rapidly extrudable tongues; their swaying gait and their ability to play bass guitar in garage bands.

Like snakes, chameleons do not have an eardrum. However, chameleons are not deaf: they can detect sound frequencies in the range of 200–600 Hz. Like I said...bass.

Smaller arboreal chameleons (both smaller species and smaller individuals of the same species) have recently been found to have proportionately larger tongue apparatuses than their larger counterparts, making them good for stump speeches and as talk show hosts.

Huccameleons are found in warm habitats that range from Arkansas to Iowa. As with most chameleons, the Mike Huccameleon is able to blend into his surroundings. His fiscal conservative coloration can be quite effective at a distance. Up close is another matter.

The Mike Huccameleon is a good natured creature and make an excellent pets. Although they have been known for decisions that come back to bite them.

Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Donald Trumpetfish
Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Donald Trumpetfish, Apprenticus Televismus, is widespread throughout the tropical waters of western Atlantic Ocean from Florida to Brazil including the Caribbean Sea and the Gulf of Mexico. It is found as far north as the cooler waters around Atlantic City.

The gills are pectinate, oddly enough resembling the teeth of a comb. Trumpetfish swim slowly, sneaking up on unsuspecting prey, or lying motionless, swaying back and forth with the wave action of the water. They are adept at camouflaging themselves and often swim in alignment with sharks, or other, larger fishes. They feed almost exclusively on smaller fish.

Although some Trumpetfish have been known to mate for life, the Donald Trumpetfish does not do well in captivity.




Exotic Animals: Collect the whole set!

Bernie Panders
Hillarymadillo

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

The Bernie Panders (Socialismus fulgens), also called "Red" or lesser panda, not to be confused with the lesser pander, which is associated with the Clinton Foundation. The Bernie Panders is a small arboreal mammal native to Vermont.

The specific epithet fulgens is Latin for "shining", which may refer to the path taken by the reds. Panda is the French name for the Roman goddess of peace and travelers, whereas the Pander is more amenable to fellow travelers. The species is generally quiet except for some twittering, tweeting, and Facebook communication. It has been reported to be both nocturnal and crepuscular.

Results of phylogenetic research and party affiliation indicate strong support for its taxonomic classification in its own family Progressivae, along with the weasel, raccoon and skunk families. Primarily the former and the latter.

The Bernie Panders is considered a living fossil and only distantly related to the giant pander (Stainedbluedressicus embarrasae).

Exotic Animals of the 2016 Campaign

Hillarymadillos Showmethecashimus Serverblankimus, are New World Order placental mammals with a leathery armor shell. Because of this, Hillarymadillos prefer to be photographed only in soft focus. This armor-like skin ,although thin, appears to be the main defense of the Hillarymadillo, though some escape predatory reporters by fleeing, often into vans and prearranged photo ops, from which their armor protects them. When startled by honest questions, the species frequently roll up into a ball.

Hillarymadillos have been spotted in Illinois, as far south as Arkansas and primarily can be found in New York state. The Hillarymadillo has very poor eyesight and are prolific diggers. Many species use their sharp claws to grub for money, preferably gold and cash. Bearer bonds, Russian caviar and large speaking fees have been known to lure the species from its lair.

 Hillarymadillos are solitary animals that do not share.